The Adventures of Mr. McCoy
Chapter 1
With a 180 degree spin, Mr.McCoy hewed another Sand-Person in half. Barrels emptied another magazine into the Sand-Person War Chieftain, and delivered a punishing blow to his esophagus.
“That'll teach you to conform to the religion of the Sand-People, ye bastard.” screamed Mr McCoy. Tails threw another rainbow grenade and devastated a group of Sand-People with some seriously colorful rainbow shrapnel. Up ahead, a composite JPG of a Sand-Person activated the booby-trapped floor tiles!
“How about this, motherfucker?!” shouted the JPG image as he pulled a lever on the wall.
The floor trembled.
Suddenly, hundreds of floor tiles shot up out of the ground, spinning rapidly and flinging themselves at the bounty hunters.
“Oh snap,” Mr.McCoy shrieked, “We gotta get outta this crazy-ass momma, niggaplease!”
They quickly grabbed as many rare Star Wars collectible action figures as they could and began to sprint out of the mystical mummy temple tomb castle dungeon pyramid.
“Our precious jews!” shouted a Sand-Person temple guard.
“You ass-hat, they're jewels, not Jews!” corrected the dieing War Chieftain.
“Look out, Mr.McCoy!” shouted Pugsly. A giant animated GIF of Jar-Jar Binks jumped out of the hieroglyphics on the wall and started chasing the bounty-hunters out of the mystical mummy temple tomb castle dungeon pyramid.
“Meesa jarjar binks! Meesa wanna be your friend!” roared the stampeding animation.
Barrels dodged a flying mummy curse with a quick barrel-roll and switched to rocket-chainsaw-shuriken-mind-control-gas-birthday-party-launcher mode and fired a direct hit at the monster!
Mr.McCoy summoned the spirit of HYKROXZN_CHAN 099098676 to channel his dark earth science Chi into Mr. McCoy. Mr. McCoy activated his magic lazy-eye beam.
“LAZY-EYE BEAM ACTIVATE!”
A blinding flash of light illuminated the hallway. The devastating blast nailed an off-centered hit to the giant image file, leaving it reeling on the floor.
“Mr. McCoy, I can’t see anything!” complained Pugsly.
“Don't thank me, thank HYKROXZN_CHAN 099718676.”
“Fuck you! Say it right or don’t say it at all!” Then HYKROXZN_CHAN 099098676 evaporated with in a puff of smoke.
They resumed their sprint down the unnaturally long hallway and finally reached the end, only to be confronted by a giant lava pit.
“Gosh darn it son-of-a-gun heck!” said Tails as his eyebrows melted into his eyes. “How are we going to cross this damn pit? We're being followed by an army of Sand-People, the mystical mummy temple tomb castle dungeon pyramid is going to explode in 3 minutes, and I ran out of cough-drops!”
No one spoke.
“I'll do it.” said Annoying Fan, stepping out of the darkness.
“Do what?” asked Pugsly.
“Holy shit on firecracker sandwiches!” Mr. McCoy cursed. “Have you been following us the entire fucking time? What if you died? The burden would be on our shoulders!” Annoying Fan said nothing. He simply walked to the end of the pit and let himself fall, grabbing the edge of the pit, so his body formed a human bridge.
“Go, go, go! Trample the Annoying Fan!” commanded Barrels.
The party trampled across the human bridge, but stopped on the other side. Mr. McCoy stared at the bridge.
“Hey, how are you going to climb up?”
Annoying Fan stated, “I don’t need to. I have done my duty as a fan. Good-bye, Mr. McCoy!” He let go of the rock face and plunged into the flaming, fiery abyss that scorched his frail, sickly body into a charred cinder. His dying words echoed across the mystical mummy temple tomb castle dungeon pyramid.
“Mr. McCoy Ruelz!”
But Mr. McCoy and the party had already left.
“God, that guy was fucking annoying.” thought Mr. McCoy.
“Golly gosh, that was our most reckless, impromptu, action packed adventure of them all!” moaned Pugsly. They had escaped the mystical mummy temple tomb castle dungeon pyramid, which exploded just seconds after they activated the dramatic, slow-motion, something-exploding-behind-you-as-you-leap-out-of-a-two-story-building. The gang rested around the Broken Lawn Chair, their intergalactic space vessel.
Tails hesitated as he fingered his butt crack and rolled up little balls of shit with his fingers. He smelled the pungent shit, and winced at the beautiful smell, which makes about zero sense, but that’s okay. Tails was a young whippersnapper of 9 years, the last survivor of the fallen race of the Albuquerque Flying Squirrels. He carried about him the lugubrious smell of organic food and biodegradable diapers. The only clothing that he was permitted to wear by his religion, – Furryism- was a pair of track shoes, a revealing plaid triangular loincloth, and a gold necklace bearing the insignia of Furryism, an anthropomorphic cat with enormous breasts giving birth to a blue, sexually endowed fox.
“You fucking douche bag!” politely remarked Barrels, who was the former ex-general lieutenant commander of the 17453th regime of the ... army. Known for his amazingly sexy mastery of weapon-based ass-kickery, Barrels was one of the most feared intergalactic keel-hauling ass-kickers to have ever keel-hauled intergalactic ass, and kicked it. He is wanted for over 100 thousand space murders, 170 counts of grievous unnecessary space violence, 62 accusations of assault against official Super Space Government officials of the highest ranking space penalty, and 2 space parking violations. And he was captain of his space high school escape-from-jail team. Barrels wore no real clothing, but he wrapped himself in a ridiculous amount of ammunition. Of the weapons he carried with him at all times, there was a pistol that shot laser knives, a napalm grenade launcher, and his signature weapon, a shoulder mounted nuclear chain gun that used Animorphian technology to transform into a Rocket-flaming-chainsaw-shuriken-mind-control-gas-birthday-party-launcher.
“What’s a 'Douche bag'?” Pugsly was a kind, overweight idiot. He wore a gigantic sweater-vest and assless chaps. The rest of the gang didn’t really know why he joined the ILBH (Interplanetary League of Bounty Hunters), but they supposed he had connections. However, he was Mr. McCoy's best friend since grade school, and did have his talents. He could eat large amounts of food without getting full, and his enormous girth made for an adequate human shield. He was always the one to stumble upon the robot factory, and he never got killed by the Yeti on their adventures.
One of Puglsy’s most amicable traits was making anyone and everyone around him look, sound, and even feel smarter. Some people said it was his thoughtless observations, some said it was his inability to understand anything but simple, irrelevant concepts.
Most people said he was just dumb as hell.
“You know people can see you when you do that, right Tails?” said Mr. McCoy. He looked like Indiana Jones, but with blonde hair and a lazy-eye that shot lasers. Many would say that he was pretty bitchin’. “Many” of course, meaning me, anyone who reads this or saw that episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force when Shake kills himself by jumping into a pool filled with piranhas as he breathed car exhaust, ate a bottle of sleeping pills and knocked a toaster into the pool. NICK PLEASE HELP FINISH THIS, I REALLY DON’T FEEL LIKE IT RIGHT NOW.
Mr. McCoy whipped out his spiffy space watch and opened up a channel with his ship’s computer.
“Kathi, beam us onto the ship, over” instructed Mr. McCoy.
“Aren’t you standing right next to the ship?” asked Kathi.
“You’re a fucking computer, just shut the fuck up and activate the Ship-beam!” ushered Mr. McCoy, angrily. Kathi digitally beamed the hell out of the gang.
Suddenly they were all standing in the iridescent purple interior of the ship. The fireplace in the center of the living room crackled and the velvet music-sofa pulsed with remixed J-pop and dance music. Mr. McCoy strode towards the cockpit, a drippy grey color, and removed the booster from the passenger seat.
“Kathi,” Mr. McCoy called, “run a diagnostic scan of the figurines we brought in, I want a full report on the pH levels in the plastic within the hour. And let me check my cyber answering machine.”
An automated tone played.
“You have…one…unheard voice message from your cyber computer mail synchronizer device” droned the automated voice.
“Wait, Kathi,” interrupted Mr. McCoy, “I want the holographic footage as well.”
Kathi’s holographic image appeared in front of him. Kathi, the ship’s onboard computer, was a person shaped carbon-monoxide molecule. Her personality profile was #11003, (Asian bisexual, shaved) and she was manufactured, of course, by Caucasian/Asian Persuasion Invasion, a subsidiary company of For Him Magazine.
“The message is from…The Space Institute of Bount-Huntery-”
Kathi paused.
“…in
“Son of a bitch, it’s Lieutenant Commander Fuxerbucts!” exclaimed Mr. McCoy. “Say no more! Kathi! Turn on the megatro-”
“Stop telling me to do things! I have a life too, you know!” Kathi exclaimed suddenly filled with pubescent angst.
An aquward silence pervaded the room for several minutes until Pugsly came in complaining about a lack of Hot Pockets in the microwave. Kathi, seeing the opportunity to avoid a digital beating of epic proportions, guided Pugsly to the Hot Pockets in the refrigerator.
“Fine,” said Mr. McCoy, “don’t help me turn on the engines. I can figure it out! I’m not stupid!” He edged the gas pedal gently and the ship abruptly lurched forward. Luckily, Mr. McCoy always wore his Space belt. Seat belt…Space…Space seat belt. There we go.
Kathi, being a hologram, was not affected by the ship’s inertia, so she continued to show Pugsly into the Kitchen.
“This is cold, but the box said hot” observed Pugsly.
“That’s right, Pugsly! Now, if you’d just open the box and take one out, you can…”
Before she could finish, Pugsly shoved the entire box of Hot Pockets into his mouth. As the cardboard passed through his esophagus, the Ship suddenly jerked forward, sending the Pugsly through a window.
“Oh my god, are you alright Pugsly?” Kathi inquired as she poked her digital head out the broken window. Fortunately, the ship was hovering only 50 feet in the air, so Pugsly’s enormous rolls of fat were enough to break the fall. Of course, he landed on a deadly chrome Space cactus, (they were on Planet Egypt, and Egypt is a desert, so there must be cacti. Even though cacti are native to
“Holy God! Holy Space God, Pugsly!” screamed the panicking molecule. “Please, please be okay! Oh my shit, what am I going to do?” Her mind raced at lightning speed, so fast that she took up 73% of the ships CPU and froze Tails’s computer.
“Hey guys, what gives?” asked the frustrated furry. “I was downloading porn! I was hitting like, 300kb/s to! What the heck?” (Please note that the age of consent for squirrels is 18 months old, so there is nothing pedophilic about this at all)
“This is not the time for your outrageous fetishes, Tails!” snapped Kathi. “Pugsly just fell out the window again! Don’t you remember the last time this happened?”
“Uh-oh!” Tails gasped, “Those tentacle monsters were vicious!” Tails paused. “You still have that DV tape, right?”
“Yes, Tails, yes I do” Kati said with a sigh. “Yes I do…” she echoed. “Oh yeah…I remember…” She started making moaning sounds and vaguely sexual…noises.
“Kathi!” Tails interrupted.
“Oh! W-well…uh…um…whatwaswewer…oh yeah, Pugsly in d-danger…r-right…” She stuttered. “Pugsly! Say something!” she called out the window. Pugsly turned his head at the ship, looking confused.
“Where’s the space?” questioned a spine-shattered Pugsly.
“Oh, thank god!” Kathi sighed, relived. “Mr. McCoy! We have to go down there and save Pugsly!”
Just as she said that, Mr. McCoy found the “tear ass all over the galaxy, man” button. The engines powered up, the ship rose higher into the air. There was a loud humming sound, a rainbow, a mustard downpour, ninety-nine bottles of bear on the wall, and the ship tore a portal into hyperspace with a fudgernuttering explosion. Pugsly was shortly torn to pieces by the incredible vacuum left in the ship’s wake.
